Reasons.

I've been sitting here for the past 10 minutes thinking about what it is I want to write a little blog about. Everything I thought of I dismissed because I was concerned with the way it would be perceived by anyone who may come across this. But the more I thought of it, the more I realized the reasoning behind this blog. It honestly isn't so I can become famous or get recognition and popularity with my views and thoughts. It is honestly and genuinely for myself. I came to the realization that the name of this blog is exactly what this blog is. A mess of thoughts. Thats all I am. I was never good at keeping journals or diaries of any sort, which is a main reason as to why I don't blog often. So, my mind has always had a way of entertaining itself and dealing/venting to itself. One of the reasons why I am so good at being alone in many different meanings of the word. But, I started to decide, I think of a lot of insane things. And there really isn't anyone around that truly understands in the way I would need someone to. My mother does an amazing job of listening to me, and my brother isn't too bad either, but the truth is my mind is strange. I think of ideas and scenarios and just anything, that people usually don't think of. I find things humorous that most don't, so it helps the result of slight social awkwardness. I have friends, I won't deny that fact, but they don't really get me entirely. I don't see anyone as understanding entirely, no matter how VERY close they are to it. So, this thing is for me. And I'm not making this blog post to make people think that I "don't care what others think" or that I'm different from other bloggers, that I'm special. Again, this post is mainly for me, and if you happen to be a passer-by and wonder why the hell I'm posting what I'm posting, it is an explanation for the both of us.

Friendships.

"Don't pity the girl with one true friend. Envy her. Pity the girl with just a thousand acquaintances."
My friendships are pretty messed up. From an early age, the skill of making friends came easy to me. I believe it was only because I was a toddler, therefore I didn't have any pressure with worrying about first impressions. Most children are like that. People skills is a natural thing every kid forms on their own. It seems like for a lot of us, as you get older these skills start to fade. The more you concentrate on first impressions and them liking you and what not, the less you get to practice or improve the friend-making skills you started with. But, then again for a lot of kids this skill only grows stronger with age. I wasn't one of those kids. When I started to get older, I started to get more shy. I didn't have that many friends when I was in Elementary school, for school work was my only comforting companion. As I got even older, these skills started to develop again, but that wasn't until the middle of the 6th grade. The more friends I got, the less good grades I got. My father made it rather clear that this was the case, and so ever since I subconsciously do things to end friendships. It's like my mind has a strategy played out already. It's like a defense mode for my brain. I also always found it interesting that the friends I did seem to always keep were older than me. Not by a year or so, but much older than me. I use to baffle my Grandfather with the things I would talk to him about, or the things I understood. Hell, my best friend is 19. (picture, at the top) But now I know how to make friends fast, but the whole getting close to people that you just made friends with is a bit of a challenge, but i obviously CAN do it. I love friends, but sometimes I wish i really didn't have ANY. So I wouldn't have to stress about "how many I have" or the drama that comes with them. Oh well, my mind seems to act as a wonderful companion when my friends fail to reach my level.

Pure Inspiration

This is Mitchell Davis. He has a Youtube channel called LiveLavaLive. His bestfriend, and right-hand man when it comes to making videos is Kyle Sibert. This boy right here is the most amazing thing I have ever watched. He is my idol, and inspiration for anything creative I now do. I started watching him last summer, when I had nothing to do but be on my laptop and watch Youtube videos. I stumbled across one of his videos, and since I had once seen pictures of him, I had decided I might as well check his page out. I instantly fell in love with his personality. He is so upbeat and happy. Random and silly. He inspired me to keep myself optimistic through any situation. I think I can honestly call myself a "lavahead" because his videos mean a lot to me. He may not know this, but he changed my attitude, which resulted in a drastic social-life change. Everything that has happened I am sure happened for the better, and if i hadn't decided to look at his channel that day, everything would be the same and I would still be the downer I was. Thankyou Mitchell and Kyle, for making videos

CHECK THEM OUT;http://www.youtube.com/user/livelavalive?blend=1&ob=4

Communication Skills (Unfortunate)

Wake up everyday, the intention to observe everyone is always in my mind as i get dressed and such. I get to my first class avoiding people that may try to talk to me and sit down in my cold seat. This routine happens a lot these days. I want to watch people, the way they speak, the way they use their bodies and the silent understanding they have. their body language, their facial reactions. it's all something I want to see, but not experience. So I wait for the day to begin and try not to get myself in any situation where I may have to commute with another person more then one worded answers the make them leave. Yet I can only get about maybe an hour in the day before my instinct to communicate takes over without me even thinking. It may sound strange, but I would like to just watch, be unnoticed for a day so I can freely observe the other people around me. Some days I actually see my learning of communication skills unfortunate. It would be so exciting to be able to learn so much from people without know you are just another person to learn from. It is so interesting the way people talk to each other, the way the can silently agree or understand something at the same time. Like if someone was talking to you and they accidentally spit on you. You know they did, they know they did, yet you have a silent agreement to not mention it, to avoid embarrassment. Then when they aren't looking you will wipe the saliva away and forget about it. Such things peek my interest. It's truly something to think about.

Optimism? The start.

optimism..

i tend to see myself as quite the optimist.

i always try to find the good in a situation,

but, just like every human i have my bad thoughts.

my unhappy, rather pessimistic thoughts that stream through my head like light waves in a pond. Which is normal for, everyone i tend to believe.

Someone told me the other day that she thought that by me trying to help some one out when they were in a terrible mood and really couldn't get out of it, that i made myself seem as if i think i know everything about life and the way you are supposed to live it. i told her, that i in ANY way cannot even fathom myself as to know everything there is to know about life and the way you should go about it. i merely throw out my own ideas and theories in order to help the next person find their own way to live life.

i made this blog because i have so many thoughts running through my mind all the time that it builds up and i have no one to truly release such ideas to.

i like to sit and make up scenarios in my mind of telling someone something or talking to them.

i suppose this is some sort of "formal" introduction into my blog.

i shall probably make a blog right after this, and that truly shall be my beginning.

i know that probably not a whole lot if any people will read this.

but if they do.

im younger then you's think, i'm nicer then you'd expect,

im more reserved then i should be,

and im more out there with my thought process then you'd understand.

thankyou :D