Reasons.

I've been sitting here for the past 10 minutes thinking about what it is I want to write a little blog about. Everything I thought of I dismissed because I was concerned with the way it would be perceived by anyone who may come across this. But the more I thought of it, the more I realized the reasoning behind this blog. It honestly isn't so I can become famous or get recognition and popularity with my views and thoughts. It is honestly and genuinely for myself. I came to the realization that the name of this blog is exactly what this blog is. A mess of thoughts. Thats all I am. I was never good at keeping journals or diaries of any sort, which is a main reason as to why I don't blog often. So, my mind has always had a way of entertaining itself and dealing/venting to itself. One of the reasons why I am so good at being alone in many different meanings of the word. But, I started to decide, I think of a lot of insane things. And there really isn't anyone around that truly understands in the way I would need someone to. My mother does an amazing job of listening to me, and my brother isn't too bad either, but the truth is my mind is strange. I think of ideas and scenarios and just anything, that people usually don't think of. I find things humorous that most don't, so it helps the result of slight social awkwardness. I have friends, I won't deny that fact, but they don't really get me entirely. I don't see anyone as understanding entirely, no matter how VERY close they are to it. So, this thing is for me. And I'm not making this blog post to make people think that I "don't care what others think" or that I'm different from other bloggers, that I'm special. Again, this post is mainly for me, and if you happen to be a passer-by and wonder why the hell I'm posting what I'm posting, it is an explanation for the both of us.

Friendships.

"Don't pity the girl with one true friend. Envy her. Pity the girl with just a thousand acquaintances."
My friendships are pretty messed up. From an early age, the skill of making friends came easy to me. I believe it was only because I was a toddler, therefore I didn't have any pressure with worrying about first impressions. Most children are like that. People skills is a natural thing every kid forms on their own. It seems like for a lot of us, as you get older these skills start to fade. The more you concentrate on first impressions and them liking you and what not, the less you get to practice or improve the friend-making skills you started with. But, then again for a lot of kids this skill only grows stronger with age. I wasn't one of those kids. When I started to get older, I started to get more shy. I didn't have that many friends when I was in Elementary school, for school work was my only comforting companion. As I got even older, these skills started to develop again, but that wasn't until the middle of the 6th grade. The more friends I got, the less good grades I got. My father made it rather clear that this was the case, and so ever since I subconsciously do things to end friendships. It's like my mind has a strategy played out already. It's like a defense mode for my brain. I also always found it interesting that the friends I did seem to always keep were older than me. Not by a year or so, but much older than me. I use to baffle my Grandfather with the things I would talk to him about, or the things I understood. Hell, my best friend is 19. (picture, at the top) But now I know how to make friends fast, but the whole getting close to people that you just made friends with is a bit of a challenge, but i obviously CAN do it. I love friends, but sometimes I wish i really didn't have ANY. So I wouldn't have to stress about "how many I have" or the drama that comes with them. Oh well, my mind seems to act as a wonderful companion when my friends fail to reach my level.